richardsite.com

I go to the grocery store a lot. Probably two to three times per week which I do because I shop sales and stuff like bread, fresh veggies and fruits don’t seem to last as long in this humid climate. I don’t really like going to the grocery or any store for that matter. Let me put it this way, I’d much rather stick my foot in a bear trap and gnaw my foot off.

I had a total of seven items and was in the 14 or less line. The woman in front me had a bill of six dollars and 47 cents. She gave the cashier a twenty and said those words that will make me want to slap a puppy, “I’ve got the 47 cents”.

I am not kidding when I say that it took close to five minutes for her to find her change purse, put it on the counter and count of 47 cents in nickels and pennies.

You’ve got to be f’n kidding me. It’s a flippin grocery store, they have all the change they need .

To further make me want to stab myself in the eye with a spoon. She says I’m sorry. Here’s a note from the clue farm. If you are doing something of your own free will and know it’s annoying ,your not sorry, your self-absorbed and rude and feel free to stick your apology where the sun doesn’t shine.

It’s not just the same change people that butters my toast, it’s also the people who treat the card swiper as some sort of alien object that they’ve never encountered before.

Here’s another shopping thing that warps my soul. Perfectly healthy people who cruise around the store humped over their carts like they want to mate with it. Stand the f’k up.

How about women (or fat guys wearing fanny packs) who have to make sure that everything is put back in it’s proper place in their purse or pack while holding up the lines . Shouldn’t you be able to slap them?

And, it’s no better in the parking lot. As I’ve mentioned before, in Flori-duh a parking lot is THE most dangerous place to drive. That aside, might it possible for people not to walk down the exact middle of the row or how about just walking a straight line coming out of the store instead of that diagonal, let me be as much of a pain in the ass move. Remember morons, the shortest distance between two points.

As long as I’m ranting, he’s a few more things that scramble my brain.

My mother does this and it makes my elbows cringe. It’s what I would call “attitude voices”. When she’s telling me of one of her great confrontations she uses an extremely annoying voice to explain what the other person says. It makes me want to sit naked in a bucket of glass.

People who say they are suing for x amount of millions “ so other people won’t have to go through what I went through”. Just admit that you saw a get rich quick scheme and took it

Those who don’t tip.

Political correctness. I think that everyone, regardless of race, creed , color, ethnic background, job description, hair color and on and on are entered into the comedy gene pool.. There are certain words that never can be said and we all know what they are but are words like stupid, fat, old, or short any less hurtful to the person they are being directed at.

Sports for kids in which the score isn’t kept. Somewhere along the line someone’s going to win and someone’s going to lose. Life ain’t fair, that’s why we have meds. Somebody gets picked last. Get used to it and work to not be that person.

The “coulda” people. Those who tie themselves to an event because “they coulda been there” or it “coulda been them”.

This news story really waxed my legs. There were a series of car break-ins recently in a “nice” neighborhood here in Florida. The one thing the robberies had in common were that all of the cars were unlocked.

They were interviewing one of the victims. She was horrified because her children sleep in the house by the driveway and further more she couldn’t lock her car up because she had to get the child inside and just could not lock the door of her Range Rover while carrying a child.

Wrapping up these somewhat mean spirited post, it’s the people who can’t take responsibility for their actions or can’t fathom that sometimes bad stuff just happens.

There was a very sad story down here about a child who slipped and fell in front of a car. A tragedy for sure. Now the parents want to sue the city because they maintain it’s the road’s fault. This incident was the first in the 40 plus years that the road had been there. It happened at a school bus stop which had been there for years also.

Some days I just wish I’d stayed on my own planet

It seems to me that a majority of the citizens of these here United States think our system of justice is the best on planet Earth, as long as they agree with the verdict. If they don’t, well then, it’s those sleazy lawyers allowing a criminal to go free.

Sure, there are sleazy lawyers just as there are sleazy bar owners, sleazy politicians and even sleazy priests but as soon as you need a lawyer you’ll find “a good one”. Most people who like to imbibe know which lawyers give you the best chance of beating a DUI or at least getting a lighter sentence.

A person who falls on their ass at WalMart will probably be on the phone to a lawyer while they are sprawled out in domestics.

Through the years I’ve heard people say “the lawyers just found a loophole” when they don’t like the verdict. Duh…that’s what a lawyer is supposed to do ,be it defense or prosecution, they use the law to help reach a verdict.

If it isn’t the lawyers, then it’s the media. People say the case is tried in the media. I’m not a fan of television news in general but for the most part the media reports what’s happening in the world and if that includes rallies etc concerning a particular case or cause they are essentially doing what they are supposed to do, which is report on it.

People pretty well forget with cases like O.J., Casey Anthony and others the defendants were found guilty in the media but not by a jury of their peers.

………

When it comes to guns, I’m a gun advocate who is for gun control. Yes, you can be both. I am not sure what stand I take on the Stand your Ground laws. I am however sure that Florida needs to get rid of it because Florida has more than it’s share of dumb asses. I think we rank number one on the dumb asses per capita.

Besides the Zimmerman case, there are other just a hideous cases happen on almost a daily basis. I can’t offer an opinion on the Zimmerman case other than it’s sad and people are going to be pissed regardless of the verdict . Just what’s needed , more tension between everyday citizens.

There is a case going on here in the Fort Myers where an off duty deputy shot and killed his neighbor. The kid was mentally ill and had never displayed any acts of violence but the deputy claimed the kid was about to attack him with pruning shears so he shot him dead.

I wasn’t there but it sounds a bit perhaps reasonable force could have used.

There is my problem with Stand your Ground. It lacks reason.

………

Now something I’m more familiar with….morons.

I have some experience with stupid shit pouring from my mouth. Some that I regret, others that I don’t. I found out rather early in life that I wasn’t born with a really good filter between my mouth and brain. Add liquor and cover your ears.

A lot of what I’ve said on stage for years was meant to be satiric or at the least funny. Not funny to all, just funny to the audience at the moment.

I hate political correctness in most of it’s forms and feel that if your black, white, brown, straight, gay, short, fat, ethnic, Jewish, Catholic, Muslim or whatever, you my friend are part of the comedy gene pool and we welcome you.

Recently in Cleveland a morning show sidekick said something that was offensive to the gay/lesbian/transgender folks. It also offended women and pretty well everyone with any common sense at all. It was mean spirited and hurtful.

But, it was his right to say it. Freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can say anything as long as it’s popular. As an American he has the inalienable right to make himself look like a jackass. You can look it up.

You have to keep in mind that no matter what kind of nonsense spews forth there are people out there who will agree with it.

The company he works for has the right to fire or suspend him. That’s the way this thing works. They did try and spin it but no one bought that little ploy for even a second.

People demanded that he apologize. Really. These days everyone wants an apology. Does an apology really make it all better?

If you don’t like a radio show, turn it off. If something on the television offends your delicate sensibilities turn it off, we have the technology. Don’t want your children to see something, be a parent and don’t leave it up to somebody else to guide your children.

If I offended anyone. I’ve done my job. Peace Out.

April 8th Easter Sunday

We still have no oven so the Easter ham is being prepared in a large electric roaster. I works good but it’s a real pain to clean. I wrapped the ham in foil and nearly got it removed before I dropped it back into the oven causing some liquid to spill out. No big deal but had I not dropped it there would have been no cleanup.

Of course a dinner can’t be properly made without the queen putting in her two cents. This time it was about which side of the foil should face the meat. I tried to tune her out but it was something like it would not cook as well with the shiny side facing out because it would reflect the heat. Help, I think I’m drowning in a sea of dumb.

One of the neighbors dropped by for a few hours and of course afterwards the queen told me everything they talked about demeaning the neighbor as much as she could. I finally told her that if I was remotely interested I would have stayed in the living room.

Sometimes I’m a slow learner but by saying something that the queen doesn’t agree with, she gets mad and won’t talk. That’s a win win for me. I’ve got to keep that in mind.

Larry the fix it guy is now MOM”S handyman and she’s going to allow him to paint the neighbors house so I mentioned that she might want to let him come over and see if he can fix the oven.

It was a silent dinner.

To top off the night she was pissed because Sammy had to go out a pee to often because I gave her food too late. The truth is that Sammy will go out and run around as many times as you’ll let her. It has nothing to do with the “having to go out” business.

April 9th

Larry the handyman stopped by today to look at the oven. He said that if we could find the parts he’d probably be able to fix it so I found the parts and it would actually be cheaper to buy a new stove.

Now mom is ok on the new stove but insists that she has to go to look at them. That parts ok but then she added that we’d do it the next week or two “after things calm down from the holiday”. It made me want to shove a drumstick up my nose.

She also had to go in for blood tests today which makes her unhappy because she can’t drink black coffee. She’s allowed to but black coffee cannot pass her lips.

I noted that the test was for both blood and urine and I reminded her of that fact. She explained to me that even though the order says urine test, they don’t really want one.

On the way to Quest she asked me why I didn’t turn down a certain street. My reply was that it was the wrong street to which she said that everyone who takes her there always goes that way and has to turn around. Duh, said I.

Surprise, they did want a urine sample so now I’ve got to take one back by 3pm but mom could not supply one. At around 6 she decided that it wasn’t necessary because it’s always on the script but they never ask for one.

April 10th

There will be nothing going on stove wise until next week but I’ll leave you with this, with all the hoopla and silliness about the oven the kicker is that she isn’t capable of using the oven and hasn’t been for about 5 years.

The tale of the Tappan continues.

April 2nd

She finally went through what ads there were in the Sunday paper. There was only a couple of ads that featured ovens so the Queen was not amused. I’m now certain that the oven won’t be repaired and a new one will be purchased.

Since this an over/under the wall behind the oven will have to be repaired and probably will cost about the same as having the oven repaired but common sense doesn’t live in this zip code.

She said the only ones on sale were the glass tops and she doesn’t want that. She also does not want a self-cleaning oven.

“Pray tell”, says I, “ why wouldn’t you want a self-cleaning oven.”

To that she replied,” It costs too much because if the least little thing spilled the oven would clean itself”.

I don’t know anything about self-cleaning ovens but I thought they only cleaned when you hit the appropriate switches at the time you wanted it to clean like the Tappan we currently have.

She explained to me that even though the Tappan was called a self-cleaning oven, it really wasn’t.

“Ok, that makes sense“, I thought.

April 3rd

I’m going to stray from the oven tale for just a moment. I have previously mentioned that after dinner and the cleanup I head to my living room which serves as my sanctuary. At least it did for a little while.

Mom now has a new nightly ritual in which she drives her scooter from the front living room, through the “formal” dining room into her bedroom passing by my living room and back again and again and again. All the time she’s doing this she is yelling either weeeeeee or I’m gonna get you to the dog. I find this to be most unpleasant.

Back to the oven.

Because of her concept of what a self-cleaning oven is, and the fact that I didn’t know squat about them, I looked it up and for a change I was correct. That’s two in a row. As a matter of fact, I found out that a self-cleaning oven is overall a better oven because of the fact that it has more insulation than a non self cleaning oven. Go figure.

I shared this knowledge with her careful to phrase it so that it’s only these newer stoves that don’t automatically clean themselves for it is a fact that she is never wrong.

I also looked at some possible purchases and gave her a ballpark figure but I messed up when I mentioned Sears because that launched her into her story of going to Sears to buy something and they wouldn’t take cash. My Bad.

April 4th

Made another error today. I brought up Easter dinner. I knew I shouldn’t but I had just gotten up and wasn’t thinking clearly. You never, ever bring up cooking a ham unless you want to hear the story of how she always cooked the ham in a brown paper bag and how everyone was amazed that such a thing can be done.
She reminded me that the table top convection oven would be coming down tomorrow and how much I was going to love it.

April 5th

The aforementioned oven did arrive. It sure is shiny. I figured out within the first few minutes that she didn’t want to borrow it for cooking purposes as much as it’s insertion into the kitchen meant THINGS WOULD HAVE TO BE MOVED and she loves it when things have to be moved.

We keep assorted kinds of rice, crackers, barley (my only knowledge of barley is that its in some beers) and an occasional cookie in a brisker. Before I came here I had no knowledge of what a brisker was. I was told that it helped keep the bread fresher which made me wonder why she wants the bread to be stored in the microwave oven.

I pointed out that if we just moved the decorative scales off the counter that the brisker could sit there but that was nixed with a curt, it doesn’t belong there because that’s where the scales are. Ok, then.

She want’s the brisker to go on the microwave table because that’s used for the dog foods and treats and she’ll be moving all that stuff to a new “where it belongs” place. I should add that the microwave table is in the utility room. I’ve always found it best to keep your kitchen stuff as spread out as humanly possible.

April 6th

Mother asked a fellow who does estate sales and other forms of resale to be on the lookout for a good used oven. When he left I asked why would you buy a used oven instead of just fixing the used oven you have.
Her response was that it would have to be a newer used oven. I threw up just a bit in my mouth.

We have a Tappan over/under oven combo thingy. The bottom oven has quit working and so the story begins.

March 24th

It was a peaceful day full of promise and humidity. It was a Saturday and I was preparing dinner from leftovers. Earlier in the week mom went to get her toes curled or whatever and she and Dawn brought home chicken tenders for lunch and tonight they would be our dinner.

I fixed everything else and put the tenders in the oven to warm them up. They didn’t warm up. Didn’t even get a bit warm. I deduced that the oven wasn’t working and informed mother dear of that fact.

She motors into the kitchen to assess the problem and thought that if she turned it on and off a few times it may work. It didn’t.

She then asked if I hit the timer. I didn’t know it had a timer so the answer was nope.

I warmed the tenders in the microwave and dinner was served. The one-sided conversation centered around possible causes of the malfunction including operator error and then degenerated into her hatred of the Tappan over/under combo thingy and a partial listing of the meals that have been made in it since 1996 all while I said a silent heartfelt thank you to the wine Gods for having Yellowtail Shiraz on sale.

I mentioned that her new handyman Larry could probably fix it but her response was that she didn’t want to put a bunch of money in it and that since she hated it anyway she’d get a new one. I should add that she hasn’t used the oven in 5 or 6 years anyway.

March 25th.

I literally had just gotten up, coffee pot in hand ready to pour the first cup of the day when she said in a very put out fashion, “There’s nothing wrong with the stove. It didn’t work because you didn’t use the preheat setting.”.

I told her that in fact, I had never used the preheat setting, I just turn the damn thing on and when the light goes off I stick the food in. I may not be correct in this but I think that when your preheating an oven both the broiler and the bake element are engaged to warm it quicker and there was nothing wrong with the broiler element.

After about a half hour the stove cooled considerably and she decided that if the self cleaning program didn’t work, then the oven would be officially broke.

It was officially broke.

I had done some research the night before and pretty well figured out that it was most likely the bake element though there was a slight possibility that the thermostat was bad.

I told her what I had found out and that a replacement element would cost between 14 and 39 dollars and that perhaps she should call Larry the fix it guy.

She informed me that if it was just a heating element she can replace it herself. You just unplug it and then plug the new one in. It is a bit more complicated than that but that’s of no consequence because there is no way in hell that she could even accomplish the plugging and unplugging part.

As for myself doing it, that’s not going to happen. Having vision in only one eye does cause some problems since I have to move my head more than a two eyed person would have to. Add to that the fact that my left hand doesn’t work very well and stove repair just isn’t in my future.
When I was preparing Sunday dinner, just to please her, I put a thermometer in the oven, turned it on preheat to 350 and it made it all the way up to 100 degrees before quitting entirely. She seemed satisfied that the oven wasn’t working.

March 26th

She tried again to fire up the oven and now is convinced that it’s truly not going to work. I asked her if she wanted me to order the element but she wants to check the thermostat first. She can’t.

March 27th

All quiet on the Tappan front.

March 28th

This morning she decided to wait until Sunday to make a decision. She wants to check out the ads first. I told her that I found the baking element online for 13.49 plus shipping (6.99). This afternoon she found the original paperwork on the oven and thinks that she may pull out the heating element later on.

March 29th

Today her brother Jack and his bride Dawn came down for a visit. It’s always good to see them. Soon the conversation turned to the oven. It now seems as though she’s back to wanting a new stove. To me that’s kind of like getting rid of your car because the tire went flat so I can’t really offer an opinion because in fact I did get rid of a car because it had a flat. I feel it may be in the genes because my Uncle Francis once drove his car into a river because it had gotten on his bad side.

It was then decided that until she decided they would bring down a counter top convection oven. I believe I’ve mentioned that it’s an over/under range and the over works just fine so there is really no need for a table top oven. But, hey, who am I, the cook or something.

March 30th

It was going to the beauty salon for her once a month perm day. I’d have bet my right nut that someone at the salon had the same oven problems as she did. Problems that would enforce any decision that she would make. For a change, I was correct.

March 31st

At lunch today she was telling me how much I was going to love the convection oven. It does have a setting for regular which would be ok because I really don’t know what a convection oven does other than make baking better and surprise surprise, I don’t bake.

On occasion I buy single serving frozen pizza for lunch and she said that they would be coming out really good on the stones that come with the convection oven.

April 1st

It’s mom looks through the ads in the paper for new stoves day. I went out and got the paper but she didn’t really have time to look through it.

To be continued…………….

I really enjoy March Madness at least the college basketball part. Alas, in this household there are two March Madness’.

I’m not that big of a basketball fan. For the most part, I only watch the playoffs. There is however, something about the NCAA tourney.

It may be the brackets you can follow or the fact that it’s one and done but I watch as many games as I can and love watching the youngsters play. It’s amusing to me that some of the players look like they are 10 and others could possibly be 40.

And the tattoo’s.

I have a couple of tats and I know from experience they are not cheap but it seems like some of these poor college kids have a bunch of money to burn. Good for them.

I’m very much in favor of letting the alumni shower these student/athletes with whatever kind of swag they want. Cars, dinners, clothes and yes, even tattoo’s. These kids are getting a free education but in turn they are making huge amounts of money for the college and as far as I can remember you can’t eat or wear a diploma.

So, I’m watching a very close game in the final two minutes (which by the way can take up to 30 minutes to complete) and mom stops by to tell me what Dr. Oz just said.

Then with 1:15 left she needs to tell me that the dog is having a ball in the backyard.

:59 on the shot clock and I’m told why mom thinks Dr. Oz is full of shit.

45 seconds left and she needs to share that the newscaster is doing the same story that he did at noon and why do they tell you about things that won’t happen for ten years because she won’t be alive then.

7 seconds remaining when I’m informed that I should be making sure that the fish oil I’m taking should contain krill oil.

Mind you, she has to go from room to room on her scooter to keep me this informed which leads me to the second part of March Madness’.

………

Have you ever read Poe’s The Telltale Heart? This is my version.

I mentioned before that the clicking and beeping of her scooter is quite annoying. Whenever she moves it clicks and because she doesn’t have the key turned all the way it stops and beeps. For the most part she is on that scooter for about 8 hours per day.

Other that going about the things she needs to do she also watches her afternoon television on the scooter and is constantly moving to different parts of the living room to do so. It’s click, click, click, beep. I feel like I’m living with R2D2.

She’s taken to moving as slow as humanly possible on the scooter which means more beeps and clicks per hour and it’s about making me crazy.

……….

We just had the death of yet another major appliance so the next post ought to be a doozie.

I think we all know somebody who’s life is one constant drama the we who live such carefree lives that we can’t possibly understand what they have to go through. It’s like they are not happy unless everything sucks. If they won 100 mil on the lottery they’d concentrate on all the hassle it’s caused them If you don’t know someone like that it’s possible that you are that person. Just kidding.

Mom’s been on that kind of roll recently. I did post about the dog drama but now it’s spread to her human contacts and it’s making me want to lick a brown recluse spider. I think her new motto may be If it’s not a problem, make it one.

There are some new insurance rules going in effect for Florida concerning hurricane readiness. It only concerns properties that are new and some coastline digs that are under 10 years old. She has been “nervous” about this for the past three weeks and for sure mentions it to everyone she talks to, dog included.

I have told her repeatedly that it does not include this house but she simply chooses to ignore facts, in lieu of drama.

We nearly had to call a hazmat team because she thought a jug of round-up was leaking. I told her that it wasn’t and that it was sitting next to a stain on the lanai. She finally agreed that was possible….the next morning.

This morning she told me that she was worried about her friend Lilla. Lilla calls her every night between 8 and 9. Mom’s concern was that last night Lilla called at three after nine. When I reminded her that on Friday Lilla watches some television show that ends at 9 and she calls right when it ends.

However, Mom said that Lilla didn’t say she watched the show and so that was an obvious sign of the onset of dementia.

Then last week she got a summary of what medicare paid recently. Even though it was just a statement that led into two hours of drama including reading me the entire summary twice.

The next day her brother was down and she started arguing with him about it.

A side effect of this drama business is “Mad”. The dog was mad at it’s toy and was shaking the crap out of it. Or, she was mad that I gave her this instead of that. Or, that blue jay sure is mad.

I simply think I’m going mad.

………………

I used to really enjoy St. Patrick’s Day. Of course it’s hard not to enjoy a day when you get to sing, drink and people pay you to act like an ass.

I have many a fond, though, clouded memories of Irish Day.

Listening to a one armed piano player in Norwalk. He was quite good.

Waking one day after and finding myself in a motel room with a very pregnant woman and wondering how long I’d been partying.

Being punched in the pie hole by an irate husband because I took his wife’s garter off with my teeth. Like it was my fault she was sans knickers.

Eating corned beef in San Diego made by my friend Kathy in her one room apartment.

Getting a corned beef sandwich in the Quad Cities only to find that they put lettuce, tomato and mayo on it.

But mostly I remember the great people that I spent this most drunken of days with. Slainte’

I recently saw that Dr. Zhivago was running on TCM. I’ve never seen the movie but it reminded me of a story. So pour yourself a cold one, sit back and relax cause I can get a bit wordy at times.

The story begins a some time in the early 80’s. I’m not sure when because the first 7 years of the 80’s were so fueled by substance that putting an exact time on anything is virtually impossible.

I received a call from my booking agent Ron Lee telling me he had an audition set up for me at Don’s Pomeroy House at 9am on Saturday. The Continental Restaurant System (oddly enough owned by Purina) was looking for edgy acoustic entertainers of which I was one. They had different stores all over the States. In Cleveland their outlet was called The Boars Head.

During that point of my life 9am was pretty close to bedtime for me so I showed up to the audition liquored up with no sleep whatsoever. Since it was 9am there were no people at this audition so I performed to a bunch of empty tables and the people who lived in my head.

I got the gig and prepared to depart on a journey (I’m not egotistical enough to call it a “tour”).

The thing you have to keep in mind is that I was hired to do what I did best and that was to be aggressive, rude, belligerent and otherwise socially unacceptable. In other words, just be myself. I answered only to the suits at Continental and not at all to the managers of said restaurants.

I started out in Chicago and was a hit. So much so that I returned there about every 4 weeks for a 6 day run.
I became friends with the staff and actually stayed at the managers apartment on my subsequent returns.

He was recently divorced and his wife got most of the furniture so they were pretty Spartan quarters but it worked. Even if I was inclined to sleep it wouldn’t have been possible since his house was party central of which the centerpiece was a large candy dish full of Black Beauties to keep things moving along.

Now I was on my way. Literally. I would do one or two weeks worth of gigs and move on to the next. Mondays were off days so that when I did all the traveling. There was no internet, gps, cell phones or any of the modern amenities then ,so it was a handy dandy road map, getting a room when you arrived (mostly sleaze ball motels and pay phones. I also began this trip in November driving a 73 Plymouth Duster.

There are many tales to tell about the trip that I won’t elaborate on now. Things like breaking down in a blizzard in Moline and then finding out that they put mayo on corned beef in the Quad Cities, learning how to prepare food using the heat from my cars motor, driving through Chicago when it was minus 30 something and being escorted to and from a gig in Indiana by two highway patrolman (who helped me get fired because of their partying ways).

Getting fired can be traumatic for some but in those days it was common and quite profitable for me. Even though I didn’t have to answer to the managers they did have the right to fire me but they had to pay me anyway plus a 150.00 fee for the inconvenience. In most cases I was fired on one day and started another gig in just a few days so I was being paid double. Sweeeeeet.

This takes us to March in Lansing, Michigan. It was the week leading up to St. Patricks Day. I had great crowds but the manager was not pleased in the least. He referred to my show as rugby music for college students. He was right.

I don’t recall why the showroom was closed on that particular Sunday but it was and Sunday was pay day so I went to the club to get my money and have a few sips.

The bar area was very small and there were only about ten people sitting around. I was greeted by a pretty redhead who introduced herself as the assistant manager. She gave me an envelope and asked nervously if we could talk before I opened it.

There has never been a day in my life when I wouldn’t allow time for a pretty redhead so talk we did.
She told me that they decided to not have any entertainment the next week and that I was too rowdy and drew a bunch of drunken college students. She also said it wasn’t personal since she had never caught the act.

I told her that it didn’t matter much to me as long as the money was right and that if the agent didn’t have another gig I could easily get some gigs back in Cleveland. I asked her if she’d like a drink.

She ordered a double scotch for her and a small carafe of Jack for me. I swear she downed hers in one gulp.

After two or three she confessed to me that she was scared to death. The manager was afraid of me and sent her to fire me because he didn’t think I’d smack a woman.

Just for insurance purposes 4 of the ten people in bar were rent-a-cops from the local mall in case I got evil or something.

That tickled my funny bone.

I bet by now your wondering how Dr. Zhivago enters in to all this.

Well, it was on the Sunday night movie which was on in the bar.

Now that all the tension had left the room and she had a little buzz going on she looked at the screen and Omar Sharif and said, “That man makes me positively moist”.

You had to be there to appreciate it but I’ll never forget it.

The soap opera of Mom and Sammy the dog continues and is crazier than ever.

Don’t get me wrong I think everyone talks to their pets. I certainly talk to the dog but I don’t have conversations with her. Mom certainly does.

She’ll tell Sammy to “come and sit down, mommy wants to talk with you” and then she does. Sometimes the conversations are so loud that I have to turn up whatever I’m listening to. And, the conversations are full of drama.

Sammy will bark at the wind but with mom’s dog whispering abilities she’ll tell the dog that it’s Larry coming home from work or that it’s ok there’s nobody there or whatever nonsense pops into her mind.

The depths of the conversations are somewhat disturbing but I kind of get it. However, many of these dramas start to involve me and I ain’t having that. Be as crazy as you want but don’t drag me into it.

A new going to bed ritual has started and it’s making me nuts.

Sammy now has three babies. They are a stuffed elephant, a stuffed hedgehog, and a stuffed I have no idea. A couple of weeks back Mom used her version of the Vulcan Mind Meld and figured out that Sammy couldn’t go to sleep unless she had all of her babies in the bedroom. Now, every night it’s a search and rescue to gather them all. What it boil down to is me having to go find the damn things.

It’s gotten to the point now that no matter what Sammy does, mom has to find some hidden agenda behind each and every movement. There has been a drama concerning which bowl Sammy likes to eat out of. While Sammy sits and waits for her fair share at the dinner table mom thinks that telling her to act like a lady will make her not beg for food. If the dog looks out the window it’s obvious that’s she’s either looking for the cat, or for the lizard, or for a bird.

As I’m typing this she’s telling Sammy that she can’t go out because she was just out an hour ago and that she should have stayed out then and for the hundredth or so time since dinner, saying “All gone, I’ve got nothing for you”.

……….

Her project roll is going full tilt now. The beginning of the week it was rearranging things on the lanai. That pretty well consisted of putting the near death plants on new tables which meant having to locate the tables in the garage and then find a place for the ones that she was going to throw away but changed her mind.

She informed me that this weekend she was going into the garage to get that organized and next week she’d be ordering some new carpet and then she’d be done….again.

This one about breaks my heart. There is a grandfathers clock which sits in the hallway right next to my living room. She’s obsessed with getting it working again which would mean that not only will the cuckoo clock with the annoying songs be going off but grand pappy would be bonging on the hour and half hour.

I would have to be bonging myself if that comes to fruition.

As a matter of fact, I think I will.

Well she finally decided it was time to replace the dishwasher. Partly because of the hole that was left after removing the old not broken one and partly because her brother suggested that she do so because of the Presidents Day sales. Things always go smoother when Jack suggests that this is the how and when.

So I got online and compared prices. I was simply looking for an inexpensive, energy efficient, machine that washes dishes. No more, no less.

I compiled a list considering price, delivery charges, and installation and then went over them with her. Best Buy and H H Gregg seemed to be the best place to shop but she doesn’t like Best Buy. She admitted to never having been to a Best Buy but she didn’t like them anyway.

So, she decided that Loews was the place to go because so and so bought this and that and were satisfied. She also said she didn’t want to go shopping so it was up to me.

As far as installation she said that Jack was coming down and would do it.

Day Two:

Off to Loews I go. I’m not much of a shopper so it was a pretty quick deal. I got a good price and free delivery and the total was $329.00 and it was being delivered the next day. ( By the way, doesn’t it fry your eggs when you buy an electric appliance and the cord is extra). So now, all is well.

No it isn’t.

Later that evening she called Jack to tell him about what time it would be delivered and then told me he was coming down early so he could re-cover the pipes that were recently fixed. I asked why so early and she said he had some stuff to do. I then asked, “Isn’t he going to set it up/”.

She had a snit fit and in a somewhat stern voice that he wasn’t going to set it up he was just going to patch the hole.

The snit was followed immediately by a pout.

Day Three:

As soon as I got up she told me that on the receipt it said the delivery guy would install it. I told her that I didn’t think so but she assured me that they would because a friend of hers bought a stove at Loews and they installed it at delivery time. I just let it pass.

The delivery guy came and oops, he doesn’t install. She argued politely but the bottom line is that the guy doesn’t install. Loews will install a free standing stove, refrigerator, washer or dryer. That’s it. For everything else you have to pay.

She then questioned the fact that she thought the washer was supposed to be white and this one was white and blue. The driver told her that it was just a protective covering.

So I push the dishwasher into the hole to keep it out of the way.

She said we should just call the plumber dude on Monday to arrange for installation. Then decided that she’d better call her brother because he might be mad if he didn’t have the opportunity to drive 80 miles and install it himself in spite of the fact that his health sucks.

He didn’t volunteer so now it was a Monday call for sure.

Day Four:
As soon as I got up and I do mean as soon as I got up she was all up in my grille because in fact the blue thing wasn’t actually a cover and in fact it was a blue and white dishwasher.

It wasn’t.

Day Five:

During her morning talk with her brother he suggested asking a mutual friend to come by and hook it up. He could do it and he could always use the money. Mom thought that was a good idea and she would get on that the first thing tomorrow morning. Her bro said that it would actually be ok to call and ask today.

She decided that she’d call after her shower. Then she would call after lunch. Then she would call after putting her clothes away.

So, at the end of day five she has found a friend of a friend who will be her new best friend and he’s coming over tomorrow morning.

Day Six:

Larry and his son Larry come over to install the dishwasher. As soon as they arrive, Mom is hiring them for their next job.

The dishwasher is installed. But it leaks. So Larry and Larry go to get another clamp.

The end of the story is that the dishwasher is installed for…….21 dollars more than the plumber would have charged but 10 dollars less than Loews/Sears/Gregg’s would have charged .

Silly ass that I am, I was going to send in the specs that would give us a warranty, but I was assured that if I did send in the warranty card that I would be inundated with grifters and hooligans that only wanted to steal our money and perhaps our very souls.

It’s sippin time